The long and winding road indeed

2 years. 2 years since I updated here. So much has happened. So many bumps along the way, some good some bad. First the good. My nearly 1 year old. Yep, I had another baby. So once again, weight loss took a back seat. And the bad. Being at home with a baby means I boredom eat. A lot. And the whole 'breastfeeding helps you lose weight' thing? Bollocks. Absolute bollocks. So here I am, another year older, and still not at goal. But that all changes today. And this time it will happen. But why? Why this time?

I am not getting any younger. About to turn 34. And I've been considerably overweight for most of my adult life. That's pretty shit to be perfectly blunt. I'm not having any more babies. So the focus can truly be on losing this weight once and for all and knowing that no more little people will come along and put a dent in my plans! Most of all, I'm just sick of not feeling good about myself. It's a horrible way to live and when you can easily fix the main cause of the problem, to not do so just seems stupid!

I want nice clothes. I want to feel confident. I want to feel sexy. I want to be a good example for my children. I don't want to keep myself from doing things with my boys because I'm not confident in myself. What kind of mother am I if I let that happen? I want to go on the holiday we have planned for November and not just feel good, but know I look good too.

So here's to 2015 and everything it will hold for me. I'm not 100% clear on my precise goals as yet, but I'm working on them. It will be a hard year, I'm returning to work next week. But I will make it a good year. Once and for all.

Shift in mindset

Mindset. A word you hear an awful lot on the 12WBT. A word I never truly understood the meaning of until recently. And something I never realised I needed to take a look at for myself. Until recently. Something has shifted in the last week. I realised that perhaps I'm not as unemotional about food and my weight as I thought. I'm not an emotional eater, that's not what I mean. I don't get sad and instantly crack out the chocolate. But I've realised that I live to eat. I love good food. And pretty much all social occasions I'm involved with or organise myself, revolve around food. That has to change. I've also realised how truly depressed and unhappy about my weight and the way I look I actually am. And enough is enough. I don't deserve to feel this way about myself. No one does. I'm sick of the roller coaster I've been on for the last 4/5 years. This time this is it. I'm getting to goal weight and never looking back! I'm sick of losing weight, getting near goal weight, but then plateauing and putting some back on, only to start the process again. I am sick of being overweight. I am sick of trying to lose weight. All. The. God. Damn. Time. I want to be someone who simply has to maintain weight...you know, like a normal person does!

I took my before photo last night to upload to the website. Wow. Talk about confronting. I felt uncomfortable standing in front of my husband getting him to take a photo (stupid considering I have no problem with him seeing me naked but standing there was soooo different). I felt uncomfortable looking at the photo. I looked horrible. My face was fine. My collar bone area fine. But my stomach, hips and legs....oh my god. I knew it was bad but staring at myself in just about all my glory was a very mind altering moment. I don't want to look like this anymore and I'm damned if I'm not going to give this my all to make sure I don't.

So we are now in Round 4 of the 12WBT (my second round) and I've set my goal at 10kg for these 12 weeks. 10kg takes me to just below the lightest weight I got to with weight watchers a few years back. It takes me well below my pre pregnancy weight (a beacon to those of us who have children!) and it takes me to within 8kg of my goal weight. So far, so good. I've exercised as I'm meant to, I've eaten as I'm meant to. I love the food on the nutrition plans. It's very easy to stick to for me. The important thing is to get myself firmly stuck in a routine for the gym for which so far, I am winning the battle! I'm determined to lose weight, but more importantly, change the shape of my body completely and ain't nothing gonna get in my way this time!

Back in the swing of things

Ok, so this is the last week of Round 3 of the 12WBT. And I've finally gotten back into the swing of things. Only took me 6 weeks! Sickness and holiday really took it's toll on me and I have no one to blame but myself. And I'm soooo pissed off with myself about it. But, what's done is done and I can't change it now. What I can change is how I have approached the final week and a half going into Round 4 which I have already signed up for.

Firstly, I have been near on angelic with my diet. Yes, I've had a bit of chocolate, but I had the calories left over that I needed, so I didn't blow my allowance. Secondly, I have been absolutely angelic with my exercise plan! I went to the gym Wednesday night, aforementioned spin Thursday, did a 2 hour walk on Friday (was planning on gymming it but for some reason my usually quiet suburban street was in a traffic jam thanks to some road closures and I couldn't get there!), Saturday we walked to a nearby fair and then to a local play centre (about 2 hours pushing a pram on grass...8kg pram and a 15kg toddler = good workout!) and then Sunday I did the Super Saturday Session. Given that was the first one I've done properly in weeks, man did I feel it!

Week 12 officially kicked off yesterday and I did it in style. Pump class in the morning, followed by the plan Michelle had set out in the evening. Wow. I was feeling it! And as part of my new found determination, I've decided that I will get up Tuesday and Thursday at stupid o'clock to do my toning program at the gym. Whilst I'm not a lover of being up that early, or morning exercise, it's certainly better for my lifestyle than being at the gym 5 weeknights a week. I was even there this morning before they opened!!! I had my clothes set out last night, lunch was made, breakfast was all sorted as I would be getting back a bit later than I would normally start getting ready for work...there were no excuses! And you know what, I feel pretty bloody proud of myself for doing it! But right now....oh the pain!!!! Radox bath needed URGENTLY I would think!!!!!

I am a bridesmaid at my sis in laws wedding in just under 4 weeks and I'd like to think that I can lose 5kg by then. If I can do that, I won't be too far off the slimmest I got down to when I first did weight watchers and I know I looked pretty good then. I don't know if I can sustain this kind of intensity for 12 weeks, so I'm breaking it down. Just do it for 4 weeks, then reassess. Makes it feel a lot more achievable.

So all in all, I'm feeling pretty positive about it all. I know this program works. I didn't give it my all and I still lost 6kg. Who knows what I'm capable of if I actually put my mind, body and soul 100% into it!

Oh spin class....

How I had forgotten what a torturous beast you can be! First spin class in a looooong time. One word. Ouch. That is all.

Long time no see...

Well, it seems as though it has been 2 years, 2 months and 19 days since I last posted. Whoops. I contemplated starting an entirely new blog, but then realised that a lot of my weight loss history, the ups and downs, are all here and I wanted to keep everything together.

A lot has changed in those 2 years, 2 months and 19 days. Last post I mentioned I was pregnant. Well that pregnancy is now a nearly 20 month old beautiful boy! He is the absolute light of my life and I truly can't imagine life without him. I wonder all the time what I used to do to fill my days before he came along!!!

There were a lot of reasons I stopped blogging. Mainly, it was a weight loss blog and being pregnant I obviously wasn't going to be doing any of that! But another reason was a lot of the personal turmoil I went through during my pregnancy. When I was about 20 weeks, my husband and I separated. Thankfully we got back together not long after and remain so now, but the reasons behind it completely threw me and changed everything about the way I felt about myself. I felt I wasn't good enough, I felt I didn't deserve to be happy, to be fit and slim. Whilst I didn't gain that much during the pregnancy itself (maybe 10kg and a lot of that was fluid....I was still puffy 2 weeks after his birth!!), the year of maternity leave took its toll. I was home alone with a baby that didn't like to sleep much during the day (thank god he did of a night, small mercies!) and felt like I was worthless as anything other than a mother. In that year I gained a further 7kg. It's taken me a really long time to get to the point where I finally feel that I do bloody well deserve to be happy in my own skin and I deserve to look good! It's also taken me a really long time to leave the mummy guilt at the door and realise that I'm not just doing this for myself, this is for my son as well, he deserves a healthy mum so if it means spending a little bit less time with him of an evening, then that's a price I have to pay for now. Thankfully he is a ridiculously independent little boy and I'm sure barely notices that 'mimmy' isn't there for an hour in the evenings!!!

So that brings me to today. 11 weeks ago I signed up for Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation. I had high hopes and I started off with all guns blazing. Then I got sick. Then I went on a cruise. These things didn't see me gain weight, but I didn't lose any either and I kinda ended up behind where I wanted to be. There is still another week left in this round and so far I have lost 5.2kg in those 11 weeks. Not bad, but not where I wanted to be. So I've signed up for Round 4 and NOTHING will stand in my way! I am currently about 9kg above the lightest weight I reached with weight watchers a couple of years ago and I would LOVE to get rid of that in this round. My ultimate goal weight is 18kg away and this time it's going to happen, and it's going to be forever!

One of the committments I'm making to myself is to keep this blog up to date. In the past it held me accountable. Despite not even knowing if anyone read it, just putting it out there made me responsible. I'm determined to give this round my all, and finally be the person I want to be, inside and out.

I've been missing a while..........

And I do have a very good excuse, honest. Firstly, I went on holidays for a couple of weeks and we had an absolute ball. And I managed to come back weighing EXACTLY the same as the day I left. Given the alcohol I drank, god knows how that happened, but it did. So then I got back into the swing of things. Went back to boot camp, the gym, the lot. Then a few weeks after coming back from holidays, we found out that.......I'M PREGNANT!!! It isn't a holiday baby, which given the amount of alcohol I drank is probably a good thing. I'm currently nearly 10 weeks pregnant, and due on the 22nd of March. So needless to say, boot camp has sadly been given the heave ho since it's not safe to get my heart rate up to 170+ which I regularly did at boot camp. I have no doubt I'll go back next year to get rid of the inevitable baby weight I'll likely gain! I'm still exercising, but I'm having to learn not to be so gung ho and go flat out with everything I do which is really difficult for me. I'm thinking of starting swimming again, so that'll probably be a good way to calm me down!

Whilst it was planned, I'm still a bit freaked out about so many things. How it will change our lives, our relationship, whether I'll be a good mum, and I won't lie, I am also worried about undoing some of my hard work and gaining weight. So far I've pretty much stayed the same, and given what foods I've been able to stomach (carbs, carbs and more carbs), I'm pretty happy about that. I'm guessing morning (or in my case, all day and night) sickness can be good for something lol! I know I'm not going to overly stress about it, but I know I want to be careful with it, not just because I've worked hard to lose it, but because it's not good for me or the bub.

See, I told you I had a good reason to have been missing so long!

Feeling positive

I've been missing for a couple of weeks, been laid incredibly low with a chest infection and the flu. But I was back to boot camp this week, and had a loss of 500g at weigh in this week. Considering the weekend before last included a trip to the Hunter Valley for the Lovedale Long Lunch (read great food and wine and lots of it!), I'm pretty happy with that. Since I started boot camp, I've lost nearly 5kg. That is the most I've lost in a ridiculously long time. I finally feel as though I will get to goal, and have set myself the target of my 30th birthday on the 15th of January next year as my deadline. That's 33 weeks to lose just over 13kg. I would love to be at maintenance by then, but I'll settle for being at goal!

The only thing that could potentially throw a spanner in the works is the cruise I'm taking starting this Saturday. I know for a fact I'm not going to be an angel as far as food and alcohol go, and nor do I particularly want to be. But I am determined to do it in moderation. If I want something sweet, just have a tiny bit. Don't get ridiculously drunk too often either! They have boot camp at sea, so I'll be signing up for that and the gym is apparently state of the art and the same area as an olympic swimming pool, so I'll definitely be paying that a visit frequently. I'll also be snorkelling, swimming, doing all sorts of activities. I am bloody determined to not let the next 2 weeks undo all the hard work I've put in over the last 6 weeks. All those bumps, bruises, grass burns, wet bums from laying on the grass, they will not be in vain!!!!